It isn’t often that I post something completely personal, but I’m getting to the point where I need to say something. Maybe it’s because I need to get it out of my system so that I can finally stop thinking about it, or perhaps this is my form of therapy. Either way, I’m terrified because I’m facing my problem head-on. Finally.
I’m always worried about my weight.
Growing up in school I was always aware that I was the biggest amongst my friends, but I never really appreciated that in fact I wasn’t that bad (UK size 12/14). When I was eighteen, I managed to fit into (UK) size 10 clothes, yet I still had trouble understanding that I wasn’t fat.
In truth, I never allowed my weight to stop me from doing anything, I had more of a carefree attitude, but I still knew at the back of my mind that I was still the biggest of my friends.
Fast forward a good few years, and here I am again, only this time I know I’m fat. My clothes are bigger (UK size 16) and I can’t look in a mirror without seeing the bulging fat across my body, and the double chin on my face. It’s disgusting, and it’s bothering me every day.
In the heat of the summer, I can’t venture out in public wearing a vest top without a cardigan to cover my arms because of my super sexy bingo wings. When people glance my way I can’t help but think about what they see.
Fat. Ugly. Disgusting.
And all this stems from the confidence I lost in my past.
And even now my lizard brain (the part connected to worry/danger) is telling me what you’re all thinking again.
“If she’s that bothered by it she should exercise more” or “Go on a diet”.
The last one isn’t so simple because of health complications, but I eat a balanced diet anyway. Fruit. Vegetables. Chocolate once in a while. Then there’s exercising. I love swimming, but if you tell me to join a gym etc. I’ll turn you down. Why?
Because I’m embarrassed.
Once again my mind is telling me people will laugh, make fun of the fat girl sweating after 2 minutes. What’s even more depressing is I have tons of beautiful clothes with the tags still on because I can’t fit in them now. I bought them before the darkness of my past.
Society has it embedded in my mind that we’re becoming an obese nation. Every day I’m faced with adverts based on diets, supplements, and new weight loss fads. That’s fine, I have absolutely nothing against that, but it’s making me hyper aware that I’m even more fat now because I’m seeing pictures related to body fat percentages and what is ‘normal’.
Do you know how depressing that makes me feel? Because now I know what people are thinking based on the comments and reactions under these pictures.
I’m not normal – and that I’m okay with, because otherwise I’d just be another carbon copy of what society is demanding me to be. I’d like to think my personality means more than my appearance.
However, the thought of how I look is stopping me from pursuing certain aspects of my future. My excuses go like this: “Once I’ve lost X amount, I’ll be able to do this, this and this.” But my weight has nothing to with whatever it is.
Why should I let my twisted thoughts stop me from pursuing my passion?
Someone wise recently told me that easy is productive. It took me a while to truly appreciate what it meant, but I finally do.
It’s time I accept my weight and move on with my life. Who knows where I’ll be in five years time, but by accepting myself I’ve cut out the hard, evil voices in my mind telling me I’m not good enough. So what?
This is who I am; fat or not.
Easy is productive.
Easy is happy.
Easy is the way forward.
It’s time I be happy for the way I look now, not worry about how I think I should look.
3 thoughts on “Defining Myself According To My Demons”
I feel for you so much but am glad you searching for answers. Until you like yourself you won’t change for what one treasure one takes care of. Remember you are special because God made you! And He doesn’t make junk! If you need moral support and common sense advice, I am here for you, 🙂 Blessings,
Once again, you astound me with your focus and drive and strength of character! I’m just some idiot from the internet, but for what it’s worth I suspect you look great, though I understand the point you’re making about the ridiculous pressures society can put on a person to achieve the supposed concensus of an ideal body image. All I know when I read your posts is that if I had an army of Justine Winters I could probably take over the planet in an afternoon 😉
A great post, as always 🙂
Haha, Roger! You crack me up! Take over the planet? I’m up for discussion…Thanks for your kind words! 🙂
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