Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

“Oh, shit!” I turn my back to Drew and cover myself up quickly, rearranging my dress in double-quick time.

I hear him cough, and then he speaks. “I think we should start again. Hold on.” The door clicks behind me, and I quickly turn to see he’s left. That’s it.

My boobs have officially repelled a man.

A few seconds later the door knocks, and this time I’m loathed to open it. Why? Because I’m pretty sure the date is over and he’s expecting to move things to the bedroom.

Not that I blame him.

‘Bloody hell, Libbie. Slap on your balls and man up,’ I think to myself before opening the door with as much of a smile as I can muster without laughing. It’s hard, I’m used to laughing at myself. It comes with the territory of being clumsy.

“Wow, you look great,” Drew manages without a hint of a smirk. I’m pretty impressed that he fails to mention any obvious jokes, and decide to go along with his new plan. My titstrastophe never happened. Right?

“I’ll just be a minute,” I say, and rush to my room to spray on some perfume before taking his hand to leave. I grab the nearest bottle and spritz lavishly across my body and face. “Now, I’m ready,” I whisper to myself.

The night goes on, waiters move around us, and noise carries along the Italian restaurant. Conversation is surprisingly comfortable, and I’ve managed to keep the food from falling in my lap. And despite my earlier mishap, I’m calling this date successful. I’ve managed to keep my clumsiness at bay. Something I should receive a medal for.

I feel like the date is wrapping up, coming to its natural close. Drew calls for the cheque, and watches me with puppy dog eyes. He walks me home like the gentleman I know he is, and the moonlight highlights his smouldering sexiness. I’m entranced completely, and I feel my body compelling me to kiss him. I want to. I have to.

I lean towards him with eyes closed, puckering up like a mighty goldfish. This is what I’ve been waiting for. I’m leaning in, further and further . . .

“Hey, Liberty? What are you doing tomorrow?”

I open my eyes swiftly, and notice he’s a few feet ahead of me. He never stopped, didn’t even notice my advancement. The ground meets my face with a welcoming hug before I have time to stop myself. I land with a giant thud, and my nose smacks the concrete with a tear-jerking crack.

I’m fucked.

“Jesus Christ!” Drew rushes to kneel beside me, and all I can feel is his hands patting around me. God knows why.

My eyes have watered, and blood is pouring out of my nose like I’m the star of a badly budgeted horror movie. Clumsy chick gets the cut first <– that’s my tagline.

Drew helps me to my feet, and I’m surprised by the sudden pain. “Fuck me, this hurts,” I say and pass out in his arms like an upside-down butterfly with the grace of a slug.

Did you know you see stars before you faint? They’re like little black dots of fairy death getting ready to take you.

Well, guess what? I fucking do now.

Stay tuned to find out what happens next in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy.

31Aug2014

Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

Posted in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy, Writing by JustineWinter

Have you ever wondered about the process a woman goes through in preparation for a first date?

I’m not the type of girl that participates in this kind of activity on a regular basis because I prefer to lounge about in my sweats with a tub of Haagen Dazs, howling out the ‘All By Myself’ song Bridget Jones-style. But when you see the same guy frequently over a span of a couple of weeks, you’ve gotta ask yourself a question. Is fate intervening here?

It’s date night, and I’m running out of time. It’s already gone seven, and only half of my body is hair-free. Look, you can judge me all you want, but I’m trying to avoid being one of those embarrassing date blunders. You know, the kind that start out all innocent and then end up with your big knickers on show. I’m trying to be prepared for whatever happens.

I’m rushing through the shower, speeding up my process with each tick of the second hand. Tick; I’m patting myself down. Tock; I’m rubbing my hair dry. Tick; I’m putting on my knickers. Tock; I’m dragging my hairbrush through my tangles.

Have you ever tried putting on eyeliner when your hand is shaking more than an earthquake?

The doorbell rings, and I actually start to panic. I’m rushing around my room, throwing my make-up on and hoping for the best. I grab my dress, and hop towards the door, putting one shoe on at a time. I’m a woman, I’ve got this handled.

I pause a moment, taking a breath before opening the door. I smile the moment I see him. He’s dressed casually; jeans, check shirt and a jacket. It’s simple yet mouth-wateringly sexy on him. I feel like a predator eyeing him up as if I’m about to eat him for dinner. Though I imagine he’d be quite the tasty treat.

I’m too preoccupied by my thoughts to realise the length of time that’s passed without any communication. That’s when I notice he’s staring at me. I clear my throat, and offer an easy “Hi!” before waiting for his reply. He continues to stare.

“I…um…well…” I smooth my hair quickly before finding my voice again. “Are you ready?” I ask.

Can you guess what he’s doing? That’s right. He’s STILL STARING! I follow his eye-line. I’m a little unnerved that he seems to be so obviously glaring at my chest. It’s like I have a big neon sign there demanding his attention.

This is new territory for me. The date is what I wanted, but his behaviour isn’t matching the somewhat Knight in Shining Armour my mind had conjured for him.

I’m torn between closing the door on him, and suffocating him between my cleavage. He’s clearly entertaining the idea if the cheeky little smirk on his face is anything to go by.

I’m about to decide when he finally opens up. “Liberty,” he coughs. “That’s an interesting dress you have on.”

I look at him questioningly. I chose a simple, black, halterneck dress. I look down to see what he’s on about, when my face flushes the brightest pink on a paint chart. I’ve put it on backwards.

BACKWARDS!

And my tits are hanging out for Drew to salivate over.

This date is doomed from the start.

Next week on Living Funny; Dying Clumsy find out if Liberty and Drew actually make it to their date.

19Aug2014

Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

Posted in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy, Writing by JustineWinter

I have a confession to make and it may not come as much of a surprise, but I think it’s something that needs to be addressed. Up until now I’ve tried real hard to think about what I’m saying to you, but the truth is, I swear. A lot.

I can’t help it; I’m an adult. And honestly, when you’re as clumsy as I am you need a little ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ when you’ve broken your last set of china. Does anyone have any paper plates? Best not go with plastic, too risky. . .

I’m sorry if it offends you, but I wouldn’t be faithful to my true character without a little balls-deep humour. You know, the kind that makes your arse crack smile from the farts that escape while you laugh.

Yes, I’m looking at you. Don’t pretend I didn’t hear those cheerful poofters.

Why am I making a big deal about my swearing now? This is why; Drew. He’s the source to all my problems. I have a scratch I can’t itch. Damn, I mean. . . Well, you get it. When it comes to him I can’t be held accountable for what I’m about to say.

I know you’ve already met him, and I know you know how much I’ve fucked up my chances with him. I’ve literally dug my own spinster grave, and signed the nun contract. Sister Liberty; cobwebbed and dry since 2014. Caution; chainsaw advised.

But he’s all I think about, so I made myself a promise, and it went like this:

I have to see whatever this post-teen crush means because you know what? I’m bordering stalker. Like, “Hey, I bumped into you at work which is 30 minutes from where I work, and I’ve run out of tea and I was wondering if you’d tea bag me? I mean, do you have any tea bags?”

Yeah, you can imagine how that went down. And not like that, you dirty bastard.

Aside from going red, my mind is rushing through ideas to make the situation better. I’m already mortified that I tracked him down to his workplace, paid for a bus fare to get there, and asked him for tea in an unconventional way, but it’s okay because I’m about to make things worse.

He stares at me a while, probably weighing up his chances of escape when he asks me, “What are you doing here?”

I take my time, blink a few seconds before answering because my knickers are diving into my arse like they’re trying for gold at the Olympics and it’s really distracting.

“Do you want to feed me?” I splutter, and then try to rectify the damage. “No, I mean, do you want to go eat me?”

He bursts into laughter, and I’m done. My words are more confused than a straight man at a gay bar. I turn to walk away because there’s really nothing I’m capable of saying to make it work. Talking cohesively is for adults, and apparently I’m really not one of them.

I make it to the elevator before he chases after me with a smug grin on his face. The doors are beginning to close when he yells, “Liberty, I’ll pick you up at eight.”

I’m overwhelmed with confusion and move forward to hear a little better. “Just make sure you’re still in one piece when I get there,” he jokes.

I let out a sarcastic laugh when the doors close on me, squeezing me like a puss-filled zit.

Hey, at least I got what I wanted.

Stay tuned to find out how Liberty and Drew’s date goes next week on Living Funny; Dying Clumsy.

13Aug2014

Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

Posted in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy, Writing by JustineWinter

Sports. This is the Devil’s way of siphoning out the co-ordinated from the clumsy. In school you have no choice, sport is a part of your curriculum no matter how good you are. As an adult, you’d think that makes things simpler. You’d think the days of heckling are behind you because you get to choose which sport you’re going to do, if any. And for the life of me, I’m still wondering why I put myself into these situations.

Let’s talk about swimming. I mean, there’s not much that could go wrong besides drowning, right?

Wrong.

There’s swimwear that doesn’t fit your body shape – unless you’re a man. Yes, the men get it easy. A pair of shorts. That’s it. No fuss.

But, women? Ohhhhhh. . . No! First we have to decide if we want an all-in-one piece, and no matter what, that costume will ride up your butt when you try to exit the pool without slipping on the rungs of the ladder.

Then there’s the bikini/tankini, and you know what? Doesn’t matter what size you buy, guaranteed one half will be too small/big. Don’t even get me started on the practicality of strapless tops; those are not swim-friendly if you wanna keep the ladies tucked away nicely.

And after all of that there’s still the issue of actual swimming. I try my best, honestly, but there’s some part of me that can’t help but try and show off even when I know it’s going to end in disaster. It’s like accelerating in a 1-litre engine car against a 16-cyclinder Bugatti Veyron.

Disappointing. Laughable. Pathetic.

I can’t help it though when I see him strolling out of the changing rooms into the pool. I have to regain some kind of composure after my terrible fart escapades last week. I can’t catch a break – 3 weeks ago I’d never laid eyes on Drew. Now he’s everywhere I go, and every time a little spark flies between us, I manage to ruin it all like a goddamn wrecking ball.

Here is my chance to rectify that.

I manage to escape the water without injury, and I step up on to the diving block ready to show off the dive I’ve been trying to perfect since I was a kid. I catch his eye and wink with a seductive smile too.

I don’t know, I’m feeling brave all of a sudden.

I bring my legs together, and breathe in and out as I tuck my head in my arms ready. I rise on my tiptoes, and just as I’m about to jump I lose my balance, slip on the wet block, lose my leg half way down the water, and the rest of my body tumbles down in a big ol’ belly flop.

My skin stings from the impact, but I stay underwater. I’m too embarrassed to resurface anyway.

While I wait down here, watching the bubbles float from my mouth, I’ll tell you my name. My friends call me Lib or Libbie, but my real name is Liberty. I tend not to use it though because every day I’m reminded by my own name that my life really is just that.

A liberty.

Oh, how I’ve been doomed from the start.

Stay tuned for more adventures next week in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

You can now ‘Like’ my author page on Facebook here for all things bookish in the Winterverse.

11Aug2014

Seven – 11 Blog Hop & Giveaways

Posted in 7-11 Blog Hop, Sapphire's Divinity, Writing by JustineWinter

Whoa! I can’t believe we’re at the 11th August already. Where did the last month go? Fear not though, I have some goodies for you. It’s officially the second post in the Seven-11 blog hop, and there’s plenty of appetisers for your eyes to feast on.

Today’s seven lines come from Sapphire’s Divinity which will release in 16 days! I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait! If you enjoy this little teaser, then be sure to mark it as to-read on Goodreads here. August 27th will soon come around! And if you haven’t read Nature’s Destiny yet (the first in the series) then you’re in luck because it’s currently on sale for 99c/77p at Amazon, Kobo, Smashwords, B&N & iBooks.

Now for the snippet:

The creatures grabbed at my arms, and stretched me as they chanted something I didn’t understand. Minutes ago I’d been contemplating doing the exact same thing to them, yet here they were pulling me apart.

I screamed from the tearing pain, my body searched for every last drop of energy. The bubble inside me had grown from all of the fighting, but I couldn’t concentrate on it long enough with my arms ripping from my torso. I felt like a doll with its stitches falling apart.

“LUNA!” I heard the sound of Riley’s cry, and I blinked back the tears as I watched him running towards me. Everything turned into slow motion as I realised he’d never get to me in time.

I hope you enjoyed that sneak peek! And if your tastebuds are tickling for some more, then you should check out the amazing list of authors below who are also sharing some teasers from their work today, and you should definitely enter these awesome giveaways going on right now:

Author Steph Nuss is giving away (US Only) a SIGNED PAPERBACK copy of her new release, Fantasized by You. Enter to win at Goodreads here.

AND! Author SM Boyce is giving away a Stacey Marie Brown Swag Bag. Enter to win here.

Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

Posted in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy, Writing by JustineWinter

Today I’m nursing a hangover, well that’s what I keep telling myself. The fact my head is glued to the toilet seat lets you know how well I’m handling my current situation. I’m an excellent drinker, and the best partygoer known to man, but come the morning after I transform into The Hulk on steroids. I’m crabby, hungry, and green from throwing up every last drop of my stomach. Yeah, I bet that had you reaching for your mouth. I could even go into detail about the little chunks floating around in the bog water, but I won’t.

Sorry for the overshare, but I told you I’m horrible the day after.

Anyway, you’ve probably guessed I’m not much of a lady. That’s okay. It’s too hard to be funny while minding my manners. Last night is a prime example for that.

Have you ever really noticed how funny farts are? And I’m not just talking about the little puffs of air that escape when you bend over. Those are harmless little bubbles of embarrassment. No, I’m on about the stomach-ripping explosions of gas that intoxicate an entire crowd on the dance floor. I’m telling you, if the army ever run out of tear gas, then all they need to do is bottle up a fart. That baby will render anyone defenceless, and that, my friends, is a million-dollar idea. Trust me, I know how effective it is.

Okay, so last night I’m busy dancing on the table tops when I spot my rescuer amid the hazy nightclub’s room. You remember the tall, dark and handsome one that watched my dignity disappear the moment my lips became a prime target for bird poop practice? Yeah, him. And I’m telling you, there’s no living that down. Once a guy has watched your mouth become a receiver for crap, it doesn’t matter how much bleach you’ve scrubbed your lips with. That guy is never going to kiss you.

I guess you’re wondering why I even bothered to try and seduce him. I’m waiting for that answer too, especially when all I’ve done is make matters worse for myself.

So, I’m busting out these ‘impressive’ shapes I’m always watching in music videos. A pop of the arm here, and a twerk there, making sure I’ve got the ‘Miley’ down to a tee when Drew (the guy) comes towards me. He’s wrapping his hands around me, and grabbing on to my butt to pull me off of the table, when I let one rip. Yes, ladies. It caught me off guard, and I didn’t have the time to clench my cheeks and keep that sucker where it belonged.

And I did the only thing I thought would help the situation.

I farted again, and laughed until the smell came. That’s when the room kind of bunched to one side before they cleared out. And Drew, bless him, shirked it off before he made his quick exit.

All I know is if the bird poop isn’t enough to keep him away, then I’m pretty sure that cutting the cheese has done it for me.

While I hang my head in the toilet of shame with last night’s vodka keeping me company, I can’t help but wonder.

Maybe flatulence isn’t as funny as I thought.

Stay tuned for more adventures next week in Living Funny; Dying Clumsy

22Jun2014

Sparkling with Sunshine

Posted in Writing by JustineWinter

Waking happy was the perfect way to start the day. With cheesy lyrics rolling around in my head, and the sun’s rays peeking through the curtains, I knew I was ready to tackle what lay ahead.

Oh, I was a sucker for sunshine.

Throwing my clothes on, and rushing through my chores, I grabbed everything I needed and settled into the chaise longue in the garden. With the beautiful chirping birds in the trees, and the buzzing bees working around the array of bright flowers, I had the harmonious sounds of nature inspiring my creative mind.

The words culminated on the paper, embracing the scenes that flitted like a movie through my thoughts. Time went by, but without the demands of social media or my phone, I barely noticed it. Hours passed, and my story flourished. It filled me with joy to take a time out from reality and focus on my world. I was content there, impervious to negativity.

Pink scattered across the sky as the blazing ball of fire lowered on the horizon. The warm air remained, and I soaked the last few drops of my serenity.

Today I was absorbing an abundance of positivity, reading the signs the world threw my way and interpreting them to mean something good, something worthwhile, something that made me chipper.

Besides, when the sun shone, it made for an ecstatic Winter.

24Feb2014

Passion Drives

Posted in Writing by JustineWinter

The soft purr of an engine igniting filled the road with a low rumbling bass. The sleek, silver, streamlined car roared by, waking the neighbours. Effortlessly, the gears changed with a quiet click of the clutch pedal.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I pressed the gas pedal further, accelerating in double quick time. I wanted more speed, addicted to the rush I was experiencing.

The sexy lines in the bodywork, the stunning physique and performance called out to me, forcing my attention. It demanded the gazes of the public, and it was deserved.

I was hooked. A true fast car fanatic.

1Dec2013

Nature’s Destiny Snippet

Posted in Nature's Destiny by JustineWinter

As the month of December encourages the festive cheer within my giving soul, I find the muse for this weeks blog post. Perhaps against my better judgement, I cannot help but feel the need to unveil a little more from my upcoming novel Nature’s Destiny, which will be released in 2014.

This snippet is from the second chapter, and as usual I welcome all thoughts and comments. I hope you enjoy!

I was busy clearing up my table when the door opened. The air crept in and the most delightful scent cradled my senses as a mixture of aftershave and the woods enveloped me. I looked up to see who it was and froze.
                It was him.
My breath caught in my lungs as I realised the man that I’d been dreaming about stood across from me. He turned and looked directly at me, and the same emerald eyes that I’d memorised shone with   intensity.
                My heart raced as I watched him walk towards the bar. His body moved with an elegant grace, and confidence exuded from him. He was tall, really tall, and the navy t-shirt he wore clung to his big biceps.
                I didn’t know what to do. Half of me   thought about turning around and walking away, feigning ignorance of his presence, but the other, more curious half wanted to know more about him. Against my better judgment I went to the bar with my empty drinks tray, where he stood waiting to be served.
My skin tingled   the closer I got to him, and without realising it I   quickened my pace to reach him. I was drawn to him like a magnet, like some unforeseeable force was pulling me towards him. I opened the half-door to the bar and stepped in. My foot caught the step and I tripped over the only stair there was, and landed ungracefully on my face.
                I stood up as quick as I could, dusted off my apron and smoothed out my hair, and pretended the pulsating throb across my nose wasn’t there. It wasn’t easy, especially when tears began to form. I gathered the nerve to look at him, and   I stood with my mouth open appalled.
                He was laughing at me!
His shoulders bunched up and down as he continued to laugh, and my skin reddened with embarrassment. I knew I was clumsy, but for   once I really wished I wasn’t. I felt like a fool.
                I   cleared my throat and attempted to act cool.   “Can I get you something?”

24Nov2013

Regrets Removed

Posted in Nature's Destiny, Writing by JustineWinter

The dark sky embraced the evening signifying an end to another day. The bitter, cold air whistled through the open window, blowing its way through the room. Goosebumps ran across my body, raising the hair on my arms. I shivered as the sensations travelled down my spine.

The small, bleak room had doubt running through my mind, but I quickly squashed the feeling in favour of happiness.

I relaxed in the most comfortable chair I’d ever been in and let my thoughts wander. Optimism set in to my pensive musings. I couldn’t afford to live a life of ‘what ifs’ and regrets when time was moving forward, and I, backwards.

The past was where it should remain. I was thankful for the journey I’d taken to create my path of footprints within the world. It hadn’t been easy, the road I’d travelled had more than a few bumps, but was it worth it?

Completely. I wouldn’t be where I was today without it. Without regrets I can live freely.

“Sometimes you just have to stop and take in your surroundings. Really look at where you are in life, otherwise it’s just going to pass you by. Regret is a heavy word to live with.”
– Riley, Nature’s Destiny (coming 2014)